|
|
Ask a Stand-up Comic
"Will bio-fuel be effective in reducing our nation's reliance on foreign oil?"
-----
Bio-fuel. Yeah, that's
the wave of the future. Have you heard about this stuff?
These cars that run on used corn oil? I don't know how people can
do this. They spend thousands of dollars to convert their car
into a giant french fry. Smelling like that cooking oil all the
time. I tell ya, if I drove one of those I'd get worse mileage. I'd be getting off the highway at every exit for a fast food fix.
And
where do you fill up? It's not like there's a Canola Phillips on
the corner. I mean whada ya do, order it at the counter?
'Yeah, I'll have a Big Mac, fries, a Coke and, um, a couple gallons of
regular vegetable... to go.' Honestly, I don't think I
could do it. You'd have to be one of these people constantly
looking for used cooking oil. Like a junkie. Every road
trip, you're scoping behind restaurants, in dumpsters. Walkin' up
to short order cooks on a smoke break in the alley asking discretely,
“Hey buddy. You sellin'?” He'd be like,
“If yer buyin'. I got the good stuff, too. Top of the
line EVO. So clear you'd swear it was never used.”
Whadda ya do when you go on a date? You'd constantly smell like fried food. Are you supposed to try and cover it up? With what? Cologne? I think it takes more than a little Old Spice to mask old
onion rings? Or maybe you try to work with it. You know,
some salt and pepper. Maybe dab a little ketchup behind your ears
before you leave to pick her up.
One thing's for sure,
you better like the big girls, because drivin' around in your canola
car every weekend I guarantee yer both gonna be puttin' on the pounds.
ARCHIVE
|
"What
is a mortgage-backed security?"
---
Not what... who! And
it's my brother-in-law, that's who. Listen to this:
My wife's little brother, Andy, who is not a handsome man, by the way
– and neither is my wife incidentally, but thankfully she's a
woman, which makes it less noticeable. Anyway, not a handsome
man, my brother-in-law. Like something you might expect to
catch when your bottom fishing in the Chicago River. No,
no. Like the bait
you'd use when bottom fishing in the Chicago River.
Okay? And dumb, too, for that matter. Like ten
Watts shy of a desk lamp. So Andy loses his rent-a-cop job at
Neiman Marcus –more like low-rent-a-cop, if you ask
me. He loses his job... for fondling store mannequins after
hours. Yeah, that's right. This Sherlock in tan
polyester and black sneakers was caught by surveillance cameras
strolling through Women's Wear feeling up fiberglass. And so
now the hump is living in our basement.
“I'll watch the house for you,” he says when we're out. How
do ya watch a house when you're sleeping 15 hours at a
stretch? That's mortgage backed security! I pay the
mortgage while this outta work security guard lies on his back all day
eatin' Doritos and watchin' reruns of Magnum P.I.
| |
Advertisement
|
Advertisement
| |
Advertisement
|
