 No
evidence of astronaut drinking, says NASA
The following is a rush transcript from an interview with our
Senior Science correspondent, Bryce Macombe. This copy may not be in
its final form and may be updated.
Walter Jefferies (HHWT News): And now let's check in with our Senior
Science correspondent Bryce Macombe, who's at Johnson Space Center in
Houston embedded with the astronaut crew training for the next mission
aboard Shuttle Discovery set to launch, I believe, on October 23rd.
Bryce. Bryce? Bryce, are you there?
[live video image - hatch on outside of shuttle mock-up at JSC]
WJ (voice over video): Hellooo, Bryce? (aside) Is he there? Have we got
him?
[live video image - mock-up hatch opens revealing smoke-filled interior
and loud music, hooting and laughter from within. Bryce staggers out
amongst clinking/tinny sounds of empty bottles/cans falling about his
feet while clouds of smoke escape above him. Hatch closes behind him
with a puff of smoke, muffling interior sounds.]
Bryce Macombe (Johnson Space Center, Houston): Hey-haaay!
Dubya Jay! Is it 6:15 already? 'Sup my man?
WJ: Bryce. Uh. Wha-wha-wha... What's going on?
BM: Whadya you mean? Oh, that? (indicating mock-up
behind him) It's aaaa... simulator... training session. Yeah. Non-stop
preparation around here these days, Walt. And, ya know, they're a real
close knit group too, this crew. I mean, at first it was tough to get
them to loosen up around me and just talk. I think they were worried
about a hatchet job, or something. But I've slowly won them over and
now they seem to have accepted me into their
“astro-fraternity.” (air-quotes, laughs) I'm
gettin' total, behind the scenes access, Walt.
WJ: That's great, Bryce. But... that... that didn't seem to be a training
session going on in there. It sounded more like a party.
BM: Mmmm? No. (thoughtfully, then dismissively) The crew's just
relaxing between sessions. You know. Blowin' off a little steam. 14
hour days here, Walt. You gotta know how to pace yourself or you might
end up goin' all “Nowak” on someone's ass.
WJ: I'm sorry. “Nowak”?
BM: Yeah. Though you'd have a hell of a time hording launch diapers
these days the way security has been bumped up.
WJ: Alright. That's fine Bryce. Listen, what does the crew think of the
latest NASA report that finds no evidence of pre-launch drinking by
astronauts? Do they agree? Did they ever think there was a problem with
that sort of thing?
BM: Well Walt, the astronauts I've been speaking to find the whole
notion of drunken shuttle crews absolutely preposterous. And, I mean, I
totally have to agree. Have you seen
the cockpit in that thing? It makes the instrument panel of a 747 look
like some sorta low rent Hollywood set. I mean, when I'm lit I can't
even microwave a gas station burrito without settin' off the sprinkler
system. Yer tellin' me they're gonna be puttin' a shuttle in orbit with
a buzz? Pfff! C'mon.
WJ: But these are highly trained professional pilots. The best of the
best. Prepared to fly under adverse conditions of all sorts. And
besides, as I understand it, most of the launch is done with autopilot.
So...
BM (looking over both shoulders): (under breath) Shhh, Walt. You don't
wanna bring that autopilot thing up. Kind of a touchy subject around
these guys. Just... trust me on that.
WJ: Okay, alright, fine...
BM: The bottom line, Walt, is that an internal NASA review found no
truth to the scandalous tabloid accusations put forth by whatever
rumor-rag needed a sales boost that week.
WJ: But... Bryce... the initial reports of drinking came from the
astronauts' own answers to questionnaires given by
NASA. Not the tabloids. How do they explain that?
BM: Walt, c'mon. I mean, how truthful are you when yer fillin' out
those workplace questionnaires? They always send them around on a
Friday afternoon when everyone's completely fried anyway. I mean, these
guys are comin' back from space, Walt. They can
barely walk. They're on no sleep. Then it's all “here, you
gotta fill out this form before you can punch out.” Pfff.
Nobody's gonna put any serious thought into that. I mean, according to
those anonymous questionnaire's 95% of the astronaut corp are
homosexual, ethnic Indian Wiccans!
[live video – behind BM, mock-up's hatch opens a crack with
puff of escaping smoke. Music, laughter and shouting emerge. BM turns
head toward hatch with hand cupping ear.]
WJ: Okay, I see. So you think the initial findings were skewed, but
does that mean...
BM (turning back toward camera): I'm sorry Walt. But I gotta get back
in there. I think mission specialist Wilson is table dancing! I've been
tryin' to “dock with her station” all week, if ya
know what I mean. (laughs) This is Bryce Macombe in Houston. Walt?
[live video – BM turns and hurries toward mock-up.]
WJ: Alright then. Thanks Bryce. Good luck with that. We'll check in
with you later.
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