President proposes expanding cabinet to fund stimulus

(Washington, DC) The White House announced a plan yesterday to fund its $819 billion economic stimulus package by creating an unspecified number of additional executive departments over the next several months.  Nearly the entire price tag of the stimulus bill – which includes massive infrastructure reconstruction projects as well as intensive electrical grid upgrades – is expected to be covered by revenue generated through the collection of back taxes owed by presidential appointees and nominees for the new positions.

The exact nature of any new departments has been an active point of speculation on Capital Hill as has the actual feasibility of raising nearly a trillion dollars through such a process.  A source close to the administration, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said a Department of Hope & Change had been "brainstormed" before it was pointed out that this might better make two separate departments, apparently leading to the idea of fragmenting any existing department with a conjunction in its official title. 

Unsubstantiated rumors continue to abound throughout Washington including the breaking of the Department of Agriculture into separate Departments of Corn, Beans, Wheat, Potatoes, Cattle, Pigs, Chickens and Sheep, creating a Department of Offense and a Department of Preemption, as well as creating a temporary Department of Cabinet Expansion.

In response to questions about the amount of money that could actually be raised through back taxes White House spokesman Robert Gibbs remarked that significant funds had already been collected "without even, like, really trying," alluding to several secretaries-designate and administrative appointees who had run into confirmation problems recently.  He did expect some small changes to the nominee vetting process over the next few days, however, such as a more detailed examination of a candidate's tax history with extreme preference given to those with none, and a look into whether they've ever lived in the back-country of Idaho or Montana at any time. 

Mr. Gibbs summed up the proposal as "really very simple," saying, "If you haven't paid your taxes in full, expect a presidential call to serve your country at the highest levels of the executive branch," adding, "Now, does anyone happen to have a cell number for Willie Nelson?  No?  Well what about Wesley Snipes?"