 Christ's “death on
cross” maybe just really bad hangover, scholars propose
(Jerusalem)
Biblical scholars put forth a surprising new theory this weekend
concerning the central tenant of all Christian religious belief: the
crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ, son of God.
According to Dr. Angus Charles of Jerusalem Divinity College, studies of
a new gospel recently found among 1st century Greek scrolls reveals Christ probably just spent Good Friday and most of Holy
Saturday laid up with a hangover of biblical proportions after
way too much Galilean wine during The Last Supper.
The
New Testament late-comer, referred to by some as The Gospel According
to Moochy, following a loose translation of the original koine
or common Greek nickname of the friend-of-a-friend of Christ, seems to
reveal that certain colloquial Aramaic turns of
expression and euphomisms from the time may
have mistakenly been interpreted literally for the past two thousand
years.
According to explanations in the new gospel, for example, "bearing his cross" would have implied to Roman Jews of the period the need to live with the after-effects of a night of binging; "crown of thorns" implied a skull piercing headache; “spear in your side” referred to the dry heaves and “laid to rest in the tomb” meant passed out in the bathroom.
The new gospel puts Jesus' actions on the evening of Holy Thursday in a new light, said Dr. Charles.
"Look.
He's drinking with his boys at Passover supper mixing Galilean
reds and Nabataean whites, which is just asking for trouble, and then
they all stagger out to the Mount of Olives where he starts accusing
everyone and it's all 'betraying me' this and 'denying me' that. A classic drunken
rant. And who among us hasn't spent a few hours on his knees
praying about 'take this cup from before me' and 'let this hour pass
from me' and whatnot while we're puking our guts out?"
The
long lost holy book also hints at the possibility that the apostles
made up the whole crucifixion story in part to cover for the
incapacitated Savior, who was supposed to finish Valarius Gratus, the former Procurator of Judea's, kitchen cabinets Friday morning. “Gratus' temper and lack of patience are well documented. Perhaps
they just told a little lie so [Our Savior, Jesus Christ] wouldn't get
fired and it blew up from there,” surmised Dr. Charles.
Dr.
Charles also suggested that Christians not worry too much about the
potentially troubling revelations, explaining that even if Christ
didn't actually die, he still may have fulfilled that which was
prophesied in the Old Testament.
“I mean, can you imagine? A hangover for all the sins of humanity? Christ! Now that's suffering.”
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