Pantry Review with
Horatio Beveridge
 Queen
Anne Cordial Cherries:
"The enjoyment
of these treats certainly owes
something to their ingredients, three of the top seven being
sweeteners, including two separate grades
of corn syrup."
 Kellogg's
Froot Loop Cereal Straws:
"This has to
be one of the oddest foods I've ever eaten. And I've
adjudicated for the Fulton, Missouri Testicle Festival." |
Riffs and Tips from
a college slacker
 Life Tips:
"Underwear
can be worn in four possible orientations before it needs to be
changed: normal, inside-out, backwards and inside-out backwards."
 Ciabatta:
"Remember
to not forget about the starter dough in the laundry room for a week.
Especially if
your building's got mice."
 Perfectly
Edible Pancakes:
"Okay,
so waiting for the other side to get done
should take about the same amount of time as removing the batteries
from the smoke detector so go ahead and do that while you're
free."
|
| "If I were you..." with
Suzie Sposetto
A troubled
teen: "So the next time your son starts
to open up to you about 'this friend' or
'that teacher' or anything else going on in his life you should tell
him, in no uncertain terms, that you're
not interested in his girly blather."
What
to do about that pesky glass ceiling: "The
truth is, these days women can have their bacon, fry it up in the
pan, and eat it too. And you should settle for nothing less.
Metaphorical bacon, of course. Real
bacon will go right to your thighs and thus
should be avoided like horizontal stripes and the plague."
His
ex is back in town:
"It sure sounds like
you've found Prince Charming. In my book that's usually a big
red flag that he's cheating on you." |
Book Marc with Marcus P. Murmon
 William
Shakespeare's The
Merchant of Venice:"Umm... Is this
one that Branagh has out on DVD? I mean seriously,
if you make me finish
reading this play, will I not be totally bored?"
 Gabriel
García Márquez's The Autumn of the Patriarch:"Okay,
honestly. There is no
way I'm finishing this on time. I'm not even done with the
first frickin' paragraph
yet!"
 Aldous
Huxley's Brave New World:
"While
I
have often found myself awed by the apparent prescience demonstrated by
last century's writers of future fiction and science fiction, poor Mr.
Huxley, it seems, whose book, incidentally, I've yet to finish, could
not have been more wrong. Imagine: A society where comfort
drugs
and casual sex are both pervasive and ubiquitous, and
implicitly
sanctioned to numb people's experience of
life's unpleasantness;
all in an effort to guarantee continuous undiminished servitude to the
twin masters of productivity and consumption. Yeah, right!"
 Franz
Kafka's The Trial:
"Okay,
so this guy, Mr. T, or whatever his name is, he's like some boring
banker dude or something, and... Aw christ. I'm never gonna
finish reading this. I'm like ninety pages in and
I've got no idea what he's even on trial for! Nice goin'
there, Franzi."
 Robert
Heinlein's Stranger in
a Strange Land:
"Uh,
I thought this was due next month, but, uh, anyway, so this
half-martian dude could move things with his mind and was grokkin' all
these hot chicks? Sounds like 'happily ever after' to me!"
 Ernest
Hemingway's A Farewell
to Arms:
"At first this Robert dude,
he was totally a'ight. You know, drinkin' wit the boys and
gettin' blown up and shit. Then he goes and Junos this
chick's ass. Man I can't wait to see how he gets outta that
one."
 John
Fowles' The French
Lieutenant's Woman:
"Dude. I need
another week to get this shitty book read." |
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