... Columbus Day festivities dampened by weekend showers for some, 600 years of exploitation, genocide, racism and bitterness for others ...
... White House proposes limiting executive bonuses to memberships in Jelly-of-the- Month Club:
"Of all the cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking,
dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing,
brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed,
stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sacks of monkey shit.
Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?” -Bank of America CEO, Kenneth Lewis ...
... Illinois governor's election to be held directly in prison:“It's
really just a budgeting decision. This'll free up prosecutorial
funds which have traditionally been set aside for gubernatorial
investigations. ” -Illinois State Senate Majority Caucus chair, Terry Link ...
... Bush cedes power to visiting Obama, moves back to TX:“Just
so you know, that scratch on the armoire in the Lincoln bedroom and the
ballooning national debt? They were here when we moved in,
so... ” -George W. Bush ...
... Republican campaign releases medical records on eve of election:
“Subsequently the phrase 'Palin Mammograms' shot to the top of Google-Image's Most Searched list.” (wire report) ...
... Mr. Blackwell worst dressed corpse of 2008:
“Mr.
Blackwell, 86, who succumb to complications from an intestinal
infection, was caught dead in pleats with a double-breasted jacket despite earlier emphatic vows against such a prospect.” (wire report) ...
... Obama-JFK comparisons furthered by rumors of drug-addled pop-icon mistress, back truss usage:
"In Senator Obama I feel the country has, finally, a chance to regain
the spirit of optimism as well as the secret potential for scandalous
disgrace which was such an important part of my brother's legacy."
-Senator Edward Kennedy ...
... Palin suggests “mixing up” debate format with swimsuit, talent portions: "I
feel America has a right to know whether their next Vice President has
any bikini wax experience or amateur musical/magical ability." -Former
Miss Wasilla and dead moose eviscerator, Mrs. Todd Palin ...
... Writer
works on screenplay while procrastinating about cleaning apartment:
“I
totally needed to pick up around the place, do the dishes and scrub the
shower, but instead I just outlined the final scenes and
wrote
dialogue for, like, three hours.” -Freelance writer, Allie
Jefferson ...
... FLDS sect declares no further
marriage requests for under-aged girls:
“But
after age 18 any amount of guilt-infused religious coercion involving
damnation-based psycho-manipulation is fair game.”
-FLDS spokesman, Willie Jessop ...
... GTA-IV earns $500M in first week:
“Could
you just play it one time where you don't kill a cop
right away? I wanna see the city.” -Local woman,
Vicky Tora to boyfriend ...
... Bush wedding reception includes
dinner, dancing, brush clearing:
"I'd
like to propose a toast to my beautiful daughter, her handsome husband
and the first person to pile and burn an acre's worth of scrub.
Get on it people or no cake for anyone!" -Lame duck dad,
George
W. Bush ...
... Iowa
State changes its mascot to the Cuddly Ducklings:
"That
oughta pretty much put us in the clear." -ISU President, Gregory
Geoffroy ...
... Myanmar's military junta speaks
out:
"We
had a good thing going until this storm. Now the world will
sit
up and take notice of our oppressive inhumane policies until another
major natural disaster takes place in
a country where human life is little valued. And who knows how long that'll
be?!" -Senior General, Than Shwe ...
... Robert Rauschenberg, visionary of
modern American art, dead at 82:
“A
memorial will be held at The Whitney Museum of American Art in New York
City where Mr. Rauschenberg's taxidermied body will be displayed
wrapped in discarded cellophane, girdled with two interlocking,
spokeless bicycle wheels, fixed to a framed, white canvas and slathered
in a mixture of red acrylic paint, Florida beach sand and crumbled
asphalt from a fresh Greenwich Village pothole while a construction
worker wearing nothing but a feather boa, shower cap and rollerskates
continuously performs a fourteen and a half measure vamp from the
second movement of John Cage's Sonata for Unaccompanied
Jackhammer.
The public are welcome.” -spokesperson for
Rauschenberg's estate, Gwenevere Thompson ...
... Ocean to start charging humanity
for fish:
“You
guys think you're the only ones with mouths to feed? I mean,
have
you ever seen teenage bottlenoses inhale a bait ball of
cod!? And that's just an after school snack!”
-North
Atlantic ...
... Iowa
State changes its mascot to the Quakes:
"It just seemed the appropriate thing to
do considering the recent horrible tragedy, but we still wanted to have that
natural-disaster-that- could-never-possibly-occur-here feel, you know?"
-ISU President, Gregory
Geoffroy ...
...SE Asia's insurance
industry
saddled by twice the expected number of cyclone claims:
“We
would be totally bankrupt if not for the fact that fewer than
one-in-250,000 Burmese, and an almost identical number of Myanmarese,
actually
had coverage of any kind.” -claims agent, Jabayan Maranese ...
...For second-coming Christ
to don red peacoat, says FLDS:
"It'll be a real
sassy look for a savior, you just wait and see." -Sect Elder, Joshua
Young VI ...
...
Area woman's workout clothes stained with sweat, chocolate:
“Does this make me look
fat?” -Area woman, Irene Polowski ...
... Charlton Heston dead at 84:
"No.
We didn't have to remove any firearms from his
room-temperature, rigormortisized grip, but he was hangin' on to
that TV remote pretty darn good, though." -Beverly Hills area EMT,
Marcia Blaney ...
... Local man
thinks he's heard of Seychelles before:
"[The
island nation is located] either off the coast of Africa or somewhere
by Norway, not sure which, and it maybe has something to do
with mercury research or something.”
-Local man,
Victor Kathryn ...
...Area
husband to discuss “burning issue” with wife,
girlfriend:
“He seemed genuinely pained
on the phone. I hope he's alright.” -Area
girlfriend, Lara Carter
“If that asshole
gave me the clap again he's history.” -Area
wife, Jane McCormick ...
... Nader decries State Department
passport file security breeches:
“This is completely
appalling. Why wasn't my
file accessed without regard to
clearance or protocol and the breach not brought to the attention of
top department managers? Yet again a third party candidate is
treated
as a second class citizen.” -Former spoiler, Ralph Nader ...
... Gravel
“caught” with hooker in Pittsburgh area mattress
store:
“Spitzer's everywhere,
man! Seriously you can't buy
that kind of name recognition.” -Democratic Presidential
candidate, Mike Gravel ...
... Local single dad inadvertently
winks at daughter on Match.com:
“OMG” -Area
daughter, Jess Hurely ...
...Southwest fined
$10M for flying cracked planes:
“They
were just cracked a little, though.” -Southwest Air
spokeswoman, Beth Harbin ...
... Clinton
takes key primaries in OH and TX:
“And
I didn't even have to cry this time. Cool.” -Former corporate
lawyer, Hillary Clinton ...
... Huckabee
concedes to McCain, drops out:
“I guess
I was nothing more than a flash in the popcorn popper.”
-Squirrel lover, Mike Huckabee ...
... Nader declares candidacy:
“Sure,
you may think I'm indirectly responsible for 'putting the bus in the
ditch,' but vote for me and I promise that bus'll have seat
belts
and airbags for every passenger.” -Really boring dresser,
Ralph
Nader...
... Woods
takes Accenture Match Play Championship by widest margin ever for 6th
consecutive victory:
“Christ! Are any
of you guys even practicing at all
anymore?” -Paganini of golf, Tiger Woods ...
... McCain accused of inappropriate
relationship with hottie, lobbyist Iseman:
“Listen.
My fellow Americans know me as a man of great
integrity so
they know I'm telling the truth when I say I never tapped dat
ass.” -Republican's only hope, John McCain
“Is
Senator McCain guilty? Of course that depends on what the
definition of the word 'is' is. But, I mean, c'mon.
Have
you seen
her?” -Former POTUS, Bill Clinton ...
... Castro retires, moves to South
Florida:
“I
just want to spend my last few years relaxing in peace. Miami
sounds nice that way, tu sabe?” -Former iron fisted Cuban
dictator and communist thorn in Washington's side, Fidel
Castro ...
... Romney
endorses McCain:
“Huckabee's a total
douche bag.” -Republican Primary quitter, Mitt
Romney ...
... Romney flip-flops on candidacy:
"While
it is true that, in the past, I had occasionally, in passing expressed
some desires to run for President of this great nation, after not a
little amount of soul searching and poll parsing, I have come to the
conclusion that me not
running is the correct stand on this important issue." -Current but
soon-to-be former MFM (Most Famous Mormon) Mitt Romney ...
... Giuliani drops out of race after
concentrating solely on Florida:
"At least I
got a nice tan out of it." -Former New York hero Rudolph
Giuliani ...
...
Edwards
ends 2nd bid for presidential nomination, begins
2nd
bid for vice presidential nomination:
"I have
proven
experience at being selected as a vice presidential candidate."
-Former tort attorney John Edwards ...
... POTUS
on the SOTU:
[waddle,
limp, waddle, limp] "Quaaaaack! Quaaaack! Quaaaack-ack-ack-ack-ack!"
-"President" George W. Bush ...
...
McCain
kicks
Thompson in nuts in SC primary:
"Oof!" -Actor Fred Thompson ...
...
Giants
win NFC Championship, Eli Manning retires, effective immediately:
"I can't think of a better way to go out than on top, but
since that's not possible I may as well leave now." -Lil' brother Eli
Manning ...
... South
Carolina's
homeless campaign for Obama's platform of Hope, Change:
"I
sure hope you can spare some change." -Dirty homeless freak Woody G. ...
... Violence
continues across Iowa weeks after reports of caucus irregularities:
"They completely forgot about the Dodd supporters on the
screened porch." -Precinct captain Robert Briesle ...
... Eat
potatoes
please ...