 Report: Bryce Macombe on Governor Palin's campaign trail
The
following is a rush transcript of a report from Senior Political Correspondent Bryce
Macombe.
HHWT-News
anchor, Walter Jefferies: And now with a report from the campaign trail
is our senior political correspondent, Bryce Macombe, in Toledo,
Ohio. Hello, Bryce. I understand Governor Palin just held
an impromptu press conference. What can you tell us?
Senior Political Correspondent, Bryce Macombe (Toledo, OH): Actually Walter, it was her spokesman who held the press conference.
WJ: Oh, I see. I guess she was busy traveling with Senator McCain to the next campaign stop.
BM:
No-no. She was standing right there. But her unscripted debut
isn't until later this week so we could only ask questions of her
spokesman. Plus the questions had to be about––let's
see here––(consults small notepad)
Her family––but only about her son's Iraq deployment or her
parenting a special needs child, and not about her parenting a pregnant
teen. Alaska––but not
polar bears, melting, drilling, ear marked state appropriations.
Her stylish frame choices, but not about the fact that she doesn't
actually need glasses and only wears them to appear more schoolmarmish
and to be taken more seriously, and––let's
see––Oh yes. Her diet and work-out regime. But
not about the Wassilla recreation center which, as mayor, she
railroaded through the city's zoning committee and which is still in
litigation over land-use seven years after being completed.
No
questions about bridges to anywhere whatsoever or about abuse of public
power allegations or secessionist tendencies or anti-semitic churches
or, you know, anything generally interesting. Oh and I tried
asking about the Governor's current reading list but I think they
thought I was looking for an opening into book banning and I was shot
down.
WJ: I see. So her new political handlers are still keeping pretty tight control over her media exposure.
BM:
That's right, Walter. But there's no doubt Governor Palin has
really shaken up this race. She seems not only to be untouchable
by scandals... but she actually seems to grow
in popularity with each passing revelation. She's become an
inspiration not just to so-called "hockey" moms but to moms of
soldiers, teen moms and the moms of teen moms, moms of special needs
children, milfs––the list goes on...
WJ: And recent
polls show she has really pushed Senator Biden, Barack Obama's running
mate, out of the public eye almost entirely. Is that your
perception?
BM: Oh definitely, Walt. He's out of the spotlight completely. Totally in the dark. We have to feel
our way to his press conferences. Thank god for that creepy,
iridescent smile of his or we wouldn't even know in which direction to
address our questions. And, of course, the Biden camp is
frantic. Word has it that he has been encouraging his daughters
to have more unprotected sex with their boyfriends and
join the Marines. He and his wife are also apparently looking
into opening an orphanage for autistic street urchins. But I
haven't been able to corroborate those stories yet.
WJ: Well,
true or not, the Democrats are right to worry. Ms. Palin has
skyrocketed into the public's good graces. Many women can relate
to her and even see a bit of there lives in hers.
BM: Not just
women either. Polls are showing more and more men have seemed to
gravitate to the Republican ticket after Senator McCain announced
Governor Palin as his running mate.
WJ: Right-right. How are the experts explaining that trend, Bryce?
BM:
Well you don't need a MSM talking head to spell that one out,
Walt. She's hot and she hunts. Finally here's a candidate
Midwestern American men can imagine themselves moose hunting with and
fantasize about during the cold, lonely hours in their tree
stands. Nothing warms you up more than the thought of a babe in
blaze orange rattling her big rack to attract––
WJ: (interrupting) Bryce! There is no call for that type of language! I mean, really!
BM: You know. (picks up deer antlers from out of frame) Hunters, they use actual antlers to mimic the sound of two bucks in battle. (rattles them together) It brings other curious males to the area. (puzzled) Why? What did you think I meant?
WJ: (covering)
Um. No. That's––that's what I thought.
I––I just meant you shouldn't use such, uh,
semantics. You know––not everyone is a hunter.
BM:
Of course, of course. You're right. But a whole lot more
people are going to want to become hunters now that it's sexy.
And useful. I can imagine a hypothetical scenario, you know,
where President McCain dies and Vice President Palin assumes power
during a crucial stage in the degradation of Western-Russian
relations. She seems like she'd be uniquely qualified for just
such a situation.
WJ: How can you make that claim,
Bryce? Most people have been pointing out her stark lack of
international diplomatic experience or geopolitical negotiational
skills. You can't possibly argue she'd be obviously well-suited
to handle the challenges of a serious global crisis?
BM:
What? Oh, not the actual crisis, Walt. I meant she'd be
highly qualified to survive the planet-wide thermonuclear devastation
after her mishandling of the crisis. I mean, have you
ever killed and gutted a large mammal in the barren wilderness? I
haven't! Face it, Walt––we'd both be goners in a post
apocalyptic world.
WJ: Well, I'm not so sure how relevant that is, Bryce. But thanks for that repo––.
BM: (interrupting)
Oh c'mon, Walt! I mean, she could hunt you down, hog tie you
––like, like... Piggy––and steal your glasses
to make fire.
WJ: Piggy? From Golding's Lord of the Flies?
BM: Huh? Wasn't Piggy that fat guy from the first season of Lost.
WJ: And I don't even wear glasses. I wear contacts. But thanks for that repo––
BM: (interrupting) Oh come on!
Where are you gonna get saline solution after a global nuclear
holocaust? The CVS on the corner?! I mean, be realistic
Walt? (short dismissive laugh)
WJ: (straight) Oh right. How ridiculous of me.
BM: (suddenly thoughtful, stroking chin)
Although I have a feeling WalMart will weather atomic annihilation
pretty well. You know? They're like the cockroach of
corporations.
WJ: That was Bryce Ma combe in Toledo, Ohio.
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