 Eminent Harvard scientist most cited, desired theoretical physicist in nation
The
following is a rush transcript of an interview with Harvard theoretical
physicist Dr. Lisa Randall by Senior Science Correspondent Bryce
Macombe.
HHWT-News Anchor, Walter Jefferies: We go now to
our Senior Science Correspondent, Bryce Macombe who's in Cambridge,
Massachusetts with noted Harvard theoretical physicist, Dr. Lisa
Randall. Bryce?
Senior Science Correspondent, Bryce Macombe: [with Dr. Randall
in front of a messy blackboard in an even messier office] Good evening
Walter. I'm here with Dr. Lisa Randall, of Harvard University,
whose work in particle physics and cosmology is now the most cited of
any other theoretical physicist. Very exciting stuff she's
doing. Really groundbreaking... exciting stuff. You
know. Relativity and gravity and atoms and stuff. Just
bends your mind until, oooh! it just hurts to think. You know? [laughs nervously then long
pause]
WJ: Go ahead, Bryce. We're all very interested in
hearing Professor Randall describe her work. In layman's terms of
course! [laughs slightly]
BM: Oh... Uh... You... want me to interview her on-air? Right now?
WJ: Yes. Yes. Go ahead. We've got three minutes for you. It's all yours.
BM:
Oh. Um... Okay. Well. Um... Okay.
Uh... [slowly turns to address LR who, curiously, has not moved a
muscle since the feed began] So... Dr.... Randall... [BM swallows
hard] Could you, um, describe your recent book, um [swallows hard
again] "Warped Passages" a little bit for us? [slowly moves his
microphone in general direction of LR's head while shifting his gaze to
slightly below camera, then looking back toward LR]
LR: [in falsetto voice without moving lips or anything else] O'ell Dryce.
Ny dook's adout tretty consusing stus. It ould de hard to
descride it in jus a sue ninutes.
BM: [looking back toward
camera, smiles nervously, laughs slightly, then straight faced, brings
mic back to his mouth] Well... give it a try anyway... Our
viewers are smarter than you might think, Professor Randall. [turns
back in general direction of LR and moves microphone to obstruct her
face]
LR: [again motionless falsetto] Okay. O'ell, e'eryone knows adout da tree dinensional orld ee liz in, dut...
["LR"
stops speaking while BM visibly and nervously responds to inaudible whispers from off-camera
and moves microphone down to LR's crotch area, which immediatly arouses
another small chorus of, this time, clearly audible and insistent
off-camera whispers of “Higher!” to which BM reacts in a
startled manner by wildly raising microphone to again obstruct LR's
face then settles back down somewhere in between]
LR: [continues] dut zer are nore dinensions too. Like tine, or egsantle. Zeze disserent dinensions
WJ: [over "LR"] Bryce?
LR: [continuing] can de tretty contlicated to sink adout and
WJ: [interrupting] Bryce?
BM: [turns sheepishly toward camera while "LR" trails off] Walt. Let's just give Dr. Randall a chance to answer my ques
WJ: [interrupting] Bryce. What are you doing?
BM: I'm trying to interview Dr. Randall, if you'd let me finish answeri, let her!... finish answering my question.
[pause]
WJ:
Bryce. It's obvious your just answering your own questions
without moving your lips. I can't even understand half the things
your... And what is that? Wha-what? You're blue screened on to a picture of Dr. Randall?!
[BM faces camera, speechless, mouth agape, eyes darting in every direction but forward]
WJ: Is that even a picture of her?
BM: [suddenly indignant] Of course it's a picture of her. What do you take me for? [turning conciliatory] It's... from an In Style spread on the best dressed theoretical physicists or something. It's the best we could do after the... in-cident.
WJ: [closes eyes, then after a beat of silence with eyes still shut] What in-cident?
BM: [reluctantly] The... incident with... Dr. Randall.
WJ: [exasperated sigh, then opens eyes] What did you do?
BM: [quickly, defensively] I didn't do anything.
WJ: [just as quickly] What did you say?
BM: [looks down]
WJ: Bryce!
BM: Alright. Look. I just... I asked her about her other... “honor”... here on campus. [making hand quotes]
WJ: [confused] What other honor?
BM: The honor the undergrads bestowed upon her.
WJ: Which is?
BM: Well, she's not only the most cited theoretical physicist, but she's also the most desired theoretical physicist. Probably in history.
WJ: [still confused] Most desired?
BM: Most desired. Yeah. Most wanted. Most yearrrned for. Most lusted after. Apparently she holds all the title belts.
WJ: Fine. So... you asked her about this... this... honor?
BM: Yeah.
WJ: And?
BM: Well at first she just laughed about it, but she really wasn't interested in discussing it. So... I pressed.
WJ: [closing eyes, burying face in hands] Oh god.
BM: Walt, you know
that's the best angle on this story! I mean, no single theoretical
physicist has ever held both honors at the same time before. And
everyone else tiptoes around it just asking about the science,
blah-blah-blah. As if she's not a total H-HEP.
WJ: An H-HEP?
BM: Hot High Energy Physicist.
WJ: [again closing eyes] Oh god.
BM:
C'mon Walt. You know that's the angle here! Nobody cares about
relativistic transforms or other dimensions. The people want
hotties. They want sex. They want philfs.
WJ: [in defeated tone] Don't you mean “filth”?
BM: [confused] No. PhILF. Physicist I'd Like to...
WJ: [hurriedly and loudly interrupting] Doh-kaay Bryce! We got it! That's fine! So you pressed.
BM: Yeah.
WJ: And?
BM: Well... not good.
WJ: [looking toward ceiling, in knowing tone] Let me guess. She walked.
BM: Well. We were in her office. So that's not exactly how it played out.
WJ: [slightly confused] You left?
BM: Um... After security came, yeah. You could say that.
WJ: Security?! Christ! Bryce, there were no angles here! This wasn't a story. It was an interview... with a theoretical physicist... from HARVARD!
BM: I know,
Walt. But get this. I was talking with some of the
undergrads in her Relativistic Cosmology class and I found out she's
not only the most desired but she's probably also the most double-entendre-ized theoretical physicist in the nation, Walt.
WJ: [confused] What? The most double-enten...
BM:
[interrupting] Yeah. You know. Like, uh, “Talk about
space-time curves! Mm-m-mm!” or “I wouldn't mind spending
an eternity on the rim of her
event horizon, from the perspective of a relatively stationary and distant
observer, of course.” Or, or, or “Give us a half hour alone
together and I'll teach her the real meaning of simultaneity.” I mean, man! These kids got a million of 'em.
WJ: [trying to interrupt] Alright Bryce. I see...
BM: Nonono, wait. They've got more. “What's my probability of quantum tunneling into you, Professor?”, “Hey baby. [motioning with both index fingers toward crotch] Why don't you try out this metric tensor for size.”
WJ:
Okay that's enough, Bryce.
BR: [excited] No, wai-wai-wait. How about: "I wanna quark your neutron, baby!"
WJ: [confused] That doesn't even make any sense.
BR: [slightly crest fallen] Well, that one was mine, but it's been a few years sinc...
WJ: Okay, Bryce. I think we get it. Dr. Randall
is the hottest physicist in the nation. But it's the science that she's doing that is most importan...
BM: [interrupting sternly] Whoooa, Walt. Hottest theoretical
physicist. Experimental physics is a whole 'nother
ballgame. There's tons of hot post-docs working in those
accelerator labs. And you haven't really done it until you've
done it on a liquid argon calorimeter housing, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout Dubay Jay?
WJ: A-hem! Okay, thanks Bryce. That was Bryce Macombe from Cambridge, Massachusetts.
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