 Report: New York Governor Eliot
Spitzer resigns
The
following is a rush transcript of a report from Senior Gubernatorial Scandal Correspondent Bryce
Macombe.
HHWT-News
anchor, Walter Jefferies: We go now to Albany, New York, where our
Senior Gubernatorial Scandal Correspondent, Bryce Macombe, has just
heard Governor Eliot Spitzer's statement of resignation.
Hello Bryce. What can you tell us about the Governor's
statement? Did he offer any further explanations or apologies
for his actions?
Senior Gubernatorial Scandal
Correspondent, Bryce Macombe (Albany, NY): Hello Walter. It
has been a most interesting morning. Yes. The
Governor did resign as expected, effective Monday next week.
This will, of course, make David A. Paterson, the current lieutenant
Governor, who is also legally blind, incidentally, the first black
governor of New York.
WJ: Yes. Probably
not the way Mr. Paterson had envisioned his rise to power, but then,
[quick wry smile] that's American politics. Tell us, Bryce. Did
Governor Spitzer shed any further light on his relationship with the
call girl mentioned in the affidavit?
BM: Further
light? You might say that. That is if you consider Governor
Spitzer's announcement that he was going to marry her a
surprise. I, for one, saw it coming a mile away, but then,
I'm a hard-boiled reporter with on-the-job training in the psychology
of the human animal...
WJ: [shocked] Good heavens,
Bryce! You're saying, the Governor announced that he plans to
marry the Washington, D.C. call-girl he solicited?!
BM:
That's right, Walt. You see, before her, law enforcement and
politics were everything he cared about. And he was good at what he
did. Very good. Yet he knew something was
missing. During their weekends together she melted his icy
heart in a way no woman has. And through him, she saw her
greater potential, too. He didn't so much as save her as he
helped her see a better life for herself. Attending upscale
D.C. social events with him, she brought a charming, fish-out-of-water
element to his staid and stuffy life. But she broke her only
rule in the process. She said she wasn't going to but she
did. She kissed him on the lips. Then she
fell. Fell hard.
WJ: Oh now c'mon,
Bryce. You're just describing the plot of the movie
“Pretty Woman.” None of that actually
happened.
BM: [coming clean] Alright, no. You're
right. It didn't happen. [now excited] But wouldn't it be so
cool? I mean, Governor Spitzer abdicating his throne and
driving the state limo to a downtrodden D.C. apartment where the
heart-of-gold hooker who changed his life is about to break free from
the degradation of her profession by enrolling in community
college! And just like Richard Gere and Debra Winger they
ride off into the sunset...
WJ: [interrupting] Julia
Roberts.
BM: [surprised] A threesome?
I don't know what movie you've got in mind, but mine is wholesome,
hooker-makes-good, family entertainment. I mean, in the end,
she didn't even take the money, Walt!
WJ:
[chastising] Bryce, please! This is not a movie.
This is serious stuff. Governor Spitzer is not a rich,
heretofore, icy-hearted businessman. He's got a wife and
children. He's built a political career on ethical
behavior. He's collaborated with advocate groups to increase
criminal penalties against the solicitees of
prostitution. Has he made any statements addressing this
irony?
BM: Not directly, no. But my source
in Albany has floated several plausible possibilities. It is
not unlikely that the governor was actually, himself, doing deep
undercover work, like that one episode of “The
Wire”, season two? You know, where McNulty poses as
a john and, well, the backup doesn't arrive in time if you know what I
mean. So deep undercover, in fact, that only he and the Chief
of police knows about it, like in “The
Departed.” And Governor Spitzer knew that if he got
caught the higher ups would deny everything.
WJ: Oh
this is absurd. You're saying that Elliot Spitzer's entire
career, from prosecutor to district attorney to state's attorney
general and then governor, was all part of some elaborate sting operation
to topple a call girl service.
BM: Not me,
Walt. My Albany source. Look. What
do you need to get inside a high priced prostitution ring?
You need an undercover VIP client. What's more VIP than New
York State Governor and potential future presidential
candidate? But you'll never get anyone already in that
position to take such a chance at potentially soiling his
career. So you've got to manufacture someone from the ground
up. Like in “The Manchurian Candidate,”
where Liev Schreiber...
WJ: [exasperated]
Bryce! Will you stop with the Hollywood
references?! That isn't even how the plot worked in
“The Departed.”
BM:
Yeah. Ya know, I couldn't really follow that movie.
I mean, Leo and Matt. Where they, like, brothers? And was
that really Jack Nicholson's penis in the porno theater or a
prop? Because it looked kinda 'youthful' for such an ol...
WJ:
[interrupting] If we can get back to the issue at hand, Bryce.
BM:
[snickering] 'At hand.' Good one, Walt.
WJ: [rolling
eyes] So, besides the unacceptably outlandish explanation your 'source'
has put forth, have you heard of any other reasons for the Governor's
behavior?
BM: Of course, Walt. That's just one
possibility. My inside source also says it is entirely
plausible that Governor Spitzer was in the final downward spiral of his
uncontrollable alcoholism and that, with his marriage and career
already hopelessly lost, he was going to our nation's
“Capitol of Sin” to drink himself to death in the
understanding arms of an equally hopeless but nonjudgmental, not to
mention hot, D.C. hooker. Taking a cue from Nicholas Cage and
Elizabeth Berkley, he planned to end his life the way he lived it...
WJ:
Oh for crying out loud! Who is this 'inside source' in
Albany, anyway? Anonymous, no doubt.
BM:
[sheepishly] He's the night bailiff's nephew, Rob. He's got a
wall of picks at the Capital City Video at 34th and Williams.
[pleading] But he's assured me his uncle gets the straight junk on
everyone.
WJ: [having just about had it, closing
eyes, under his breath] Oh for chrissake. [pulling it
together] All right Bryce, we're about out of time. Did
anyone mention what plans the governor has for the future now that he's
likely finished in politics?
BM: Yes,
Walt. I talked to Kenneth Langone, Home Depot founder and one
of the Governor's former judicial foci, about that very
question.
WJ: [pleasantly surprised] Really?
Well great. What did he have to say?
BM:
[holding reading glasses up to eyes and looking down nose at legal pad
held at arms length] Let's see... Yeah. Here it is. Quote,
'We're going to build ships together. [in a boomy Ralph
Bellamy voice] Greaaaat
big ships!'
WJ: That was Bryce Macombe,
Senior Gubernatorial Scandal Correspondent, live from
Albany.
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