Stuff that Happened
This week in history...
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3467BCE: The
Paleolithic period along the Mediterranean coastline ended when
some hairy, slack-jawed beach bum chipped a piece of obsidian slightly
different than usual, thus ushering in the Neolithic period.
2733BCE: Pepi's
Papyrus, “Instructions to a Son,” was written making
it not only the earliest preserved literary documents but also
one of the first known instances of the decree: “Remember to feed
the
cat, make sure your sister does her homework and NO PARTIES!”
50: The Romans first
learned to use soap from, of all people, the Gauls!
1789: New
Jersey became the first state to ratify The Bill of Rights this week
when
dyslexic majority leader Eddie Sherman,
Jr. (W) inadvertently introduced it at the State Senate Convention as
“The Right's of Bill,” thereby confusing the chamber into thinking they were voting on guidelines for how to tip William DeMarino, the hotdog cart owner in the statehouse commissary, whom everybody always liked.
1820: Captain
Nathaniel Palmer discovered Antarctica this week and coldly
proclaimed it “PP-P-P-PPP-P-Palmerica!” moments
before being consumed by his surviving crew.
1863: President
Abraham Lincoln gave his Gettysburg Address this week at the
civil war battlefield in Gettysburg, PA thus starting nearly a century
and a half of people wondering, “How many years in a
'score'? Was that like a decade in olden days?”
1928: ”Steamboat
Willie” premiered this week as the very
first animated short, making this the 80th anniversary of
that asshole Micky Mouse.
1947: Future Queen Elizabeth
II married Philip Mountbatten this week to become the
world's preeminent sugar mama. Paparazzi photos of their
honeymoon in the Hebrides subsequently contributed to a rise in
popularity of the phrase, “royally screwed” among
the British populace.
1962: President
John F. Kennedy
agreed to lift the blockade of Cuba this week after Soviet Leader
Nikita Khrushchev pounded his shoe on the table and threatened to kiss
him on the lips, awkwardly ending the Cuban missile crisis.
1978: The
sugary, fruit-flavored beverage, Kool-Aid, became a cult favorite this
week
1990: Milli
Vanilli had their Grammy award taken away this week for
lip syncing. Though, looking back, they really deserved to lose it
strictly for their crappy dancing.
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